I WALKED OUT AND DROVE AWAY

Ok, first off, for many of you this blog might be totally new and you may not know much yet about my personal life, let alone my love life, haha! 

You can catch up on old posts, but long story short, I got divorced right before the world shut down in 2020, and then the pandemic made me put myself on dating apps to entertain us all while we were stuck at home, ha! Yes I blame the pandemic, haha! 

The last two years have been wild, full of tears, lots of love and joy, crazy stories, tons of laughter, and now here I am engaged to the PERFECT MAN for me! Don't miss the engagement story blog post! That's a really fun one!!

Last weekend, David and I had a full kid free weekend and I fell more in love with this man even though I didn't think that was possible.

They say love isn't a feeling, it's a commitment to love every day, to be love. 

And that "spark" we feel in the beginning won't always be there, we have to work hard to find it, to create it. 

Sometimes I think that "spark" comes back when you experience something new with your person, whether that be a new dinner spot, a concert, a travel destination, a trial, an event, or even a deep conversation you've never had before, "spark" ignitors we'll call them.

Those are the things that build a relationship, and continue to foster it as the years pass by. 

There were several of these "spark" ignitors that we experienced over the weekend. 

One being a new dinner spot, with new people David hadn't met yet. I set up a group date with some friends of mine on Friday, at a place with a cool vibe that David had never been to before. Getting to experience new places, and new people with him is always so refreshing and enjoyable. He gets along with just about anybody, and it's fun to watch him have conversations with others. I love that he's willing to do that! 

But the biggest "spark" ignitor happened during our lunch date on Saturday with just each other. 

While we were enjoying our free day with no sporting events to attend(weird, right?), David mentioned something going on on Sunday morning that he wanted to attend and extended an invitation for me to join him if I'd like to. 

This event involved a friend of his that is basically like family to him, and was taking place somewhere I hadn't been in almost 3 years. A place I wasn't sure I ever wanted to go back to. 

The last time I went to this place, a place I had spent many years serving in, was the day I left my husband and two kids and drove off with only the belongings that fit in my car, to start my new chapter as a single mom. The day my whole world came crashing down. 

This day is very symbolic and emotional for me. Not only was I walking out of a marriage that was no longer for me, but I was walking out of an entire belief system and lifestyle that was no longer me. 

I walked out. I walked out and drove away. 

I walked away from my life so I could find it. 

It's taken alot of therapy for me to get to a confident place with myself to not feel any guilt for doing what was best for me, and feel confident living my true and authentic self. I've done alot of rewiring and healing to get to here.

So this invitation brought up a little trigger. And sparked a really, really deep conversation. 

Have you ever had someone in your life that you have felt so safe to be yourself around? So safe that you know you can tell them every single thing you are thinking and feeling, every skeleton in your closet and they will hold space for you to do so? So safe that you know they won't judge or criticize, just allow you to have your own thoughts and emotions? 

I have. For the first time in my life, at the age of almost 40, I have FINALLY found a person that can hold this kind of safe space for me. 

He’s a good man. A really, really good man.

I don't know how long we sat at lunch that day, but it was a long time. A good time. So much vulnerability was shared in that lunch date that day, and I'll never forget how amazing it felt. I've never been SO LOVED for being EXACTLY WHO I AM. Cue the tears!

I decided to accept this invitation, and attend this event with David because I knew he wanted me by his side. Would he have been ok with me not going? Yes of course. But this gave me two opportunities. One, to show up for someone I love deeply and be by his side, and two, to show up for myself and process a heavy emotional memory and create a new one to move past it. 

Sunday was a good day. This whole weekend was a wonderful weekend. 

And I fell more in love this man than ever before. 

Spark ignitors in a relationship come in many different ways, and I'm excited to see what the next one ends up looking like! Let's keep this fire burning and the love continue to grow!! Wedding plans have begun and I’ll fill you in soon! 

Love you all!

-SJ

The Boutique Bride to be