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In my marriage, if something came up that maybe hurt my feelings or was bothersome and I brought it to my spouses attention, it wasn’t received very well.
I was squashed, invalidated, and made to feel like I was too sensitive and being unreasonable.
So I stopped asking. I stopped trying to get my needs met.
I’m a pretty independent person, and know how to handle my own emotions and past traumas, but you know what happens when you don’t ask your partner to help meet those needs?
You feel depleted. Exhausted. And deep down aren’t happy go lucky anymore. And those feelings you’ve stuffed down, eventually come up.
These feelings came up for me BIG TIME this past week. And started making me feel insecure in my current relationship.
I knew I needed to speak up. I knew I needed to let Coach know how I had been feeling and that I knew why and what I needed.
Simple enough, but hard as hell to do! I have had massive anxiety and emotions for a week, just going over the conversation in my head trying to figure out how to bring it up, what to say and how I wanted to convey this.
I've been a basket case!
One of the things I don't ever really think I realized is that I need quality time in a relationship. That's my number one love language. That's what has been on my mind, and has stressed me out knowing that baseball season is approaching and Coach would be even more busy than he is now. And my anxiety over not knowing how much time we'd see each other sent me spiraling for a moment.
But I realized that not only do I need quality time, I need him to initiate it more often. He and I both put in a pretty decent amount of effort, but I do tend to take on scheduling time together a little bit more, mostly due to my schedule being easier to figure out. It comes more naturally to me to set up my weekly schedule ahead of time(hello retail marketing industry training, gotta get content strategies planned ahead of time! lol!)
I'm a planner, I like to know my schedule, but I can also just roll with it and be spontaneous.
But I had this fear that Coach would get busy, and if I didn't initiate making time together, it wouldn't happen.
So I spoke up. I first explained to him everything I mentioned above, about my anxiety and my past trauma of not speaking up for myself, and owned every bit of it. Told him I wasn't trying of project any of this onto him, and that I just wanted to make sure I was getting my needs met and communicating what those were.
Have you ever met someone who is so kind and gentle with your heart?
Coach immediately responded to me after being so vulnerable and expressing all my crazy feelings and said, "I want you to know that this is a safe place. I got you, and if that's what you need, then I totally got you."
He's a safe place. And this is honestly the first time I have EVER felt like the relationship I was in was a safe place.
He understood how I felt, validated it, knew we didn't always get to spend alot of time together and that it makes it hard to continue to connect when there's so much time in between seeing each other.
He feels it too, and doesn't want it to be that way, doesn't want to lose our momentum and feel like we take two steps back for every step forward.
So he's stepping in to the space I need filled, and the space I need to feel wanted and loved and is so genuine about it.
Don't ever be afraid to ask for what you need. If it pushes people away, then they weren't meant for you!
Pretty sure at one point during dinner, we were talking about our lifestyles and our flow and he casually said, "See I could totally marry you and it would just be great and totally work."
Ummmm did he really just say that so casually??? I didn't call him out on it, but it put a big smile on my face.
And for all those wondering what happened after dinner, cause I know you wonder haha, we chilled at my place, got a little handsy on the couch and ended up falling asleep wrapped up in each other's arms.
Perfect night.
-SJ
The Boutique Bachelorette
